I spent ten days on my own in December. Xander and Katja went to visit his family in Arizona. I didn’t have enough paid leave to go, but it seemed like a good thing for Katja to get to spend time with her grandparents and aunts and uncles on that side of the family. I wanted to get a good start on organizing the shed, too, which is rather difficult work when a two-year-old is helping. I also, completely selfishly, wanted to get some sleep, which I did. Katja has good nights and bad nights, but she has had colds and ear infections lately so there were more bad nights than good ones. The lack of sleep had taken its toll and I was somewhat short tempered and not enjoying life very much.

I caught up on sleep. Life is much better now! I also cataloged 31 boxes, gave away nine bags of books to the VA hospital, another four bags of books to the library, and gave away some things we will not use again to a local charity. All of that was very good and made me feel accomplished, satisfied, and organized.

I also learned a few things. The primary one is that I can relax some. Between the two of us, Xander and I have the house running pretty smoothly. I like making lists, but I feel bad if I don’t finish the things on the list in the time frame I set for myself. It all gets done eventually, though, and adding guilt to my life is not useful. I can run laundry during the week and have more time on weekends that is stress-free to hang out with Katja. I have a job that doesn’t require me to bring work home; I should take advantage of that. Once Katja is in bed, if Xander is home, I can go to the gym for my 20 minute workout. I don’t have to get up really early to work out because I can’t work out for very long at the moment. Sleep is much more important than I thought, too. Life got a lot better after a couple of days of actually sleeping eight unbroken hours.

I’ve been thinking about all of the changes coming up in the next year. We’ll be moving somewhere, so there’s a new beginning in some ways. With any luck it will be somewhere it rains more than it does here. Katja is growing and changing, talking a lot, singing and dancing and climbing and running, and she’ll keep getting more interesting. I’m focusing on the good things by writing one good thing about every day because this helps me remember those things instead of dwelling on things that irritate me or make me angry. Yesterday, for instance, Katja and I went for a long, leisurely walk, had lunch, and walked back to the car. We watched ducks and geese, stomped in ice, and pushed lots of buttons. We didn’t hurry at all and it was incredibly nice.

Much of my life I’ve tried to be perfect. I was angry at myself for my SAT score, which was not as good as my older brother’s score, but I didn’t know that it was actually quite high. I got smacked upside the head by a couple of friends of mine for that one. There is always someone better, someone smarter, someone stronger or faster or something. In the past year I started getting through this. I ran a half marathon. I wasn’t anywhere near first, I wasn’t last, and my main goal was to finish, which I did. While I was lying on the couch recovering from hip surgery I thought a lot about my need to be perfect and organized and on top of everything. I realized, slowly, that it wasn’t actually making my life better. Yes, it’s good to be organized, but I was getting very stressed about it if things didn’t go exactly to plan, if I got behind in the morning or forgot something in Katja’s bag.

It’s okay. I’m enough. Xander and I together are enough.

When Xander went to England for ten days and I stayed home with Katja, I was worried that I wouldn’t be very good at being a single parent. It ended up being okay. We both missed him a lot, of course, but we didn’t get too frustrated at each other and we mostly enjoyed each other. While he and Katja were in Arizona, I missed them, but I also knew that they were fine and having fun.

I’m working on building a life with less unnecessary stress. It’s great if I lay out my clothes the night before, but if it doesn’t happen, I don’t have to get out of bed to handle it. It can wait. If I have a bad day, I can stay home that night instead of pushing and going to the gym anyway. I took a nap with Katja yesterday, about an hour and a half, and because we spent most of the day out of the house and I was busy last night, the kitchen wasn’t perfect this morning. I almost twitched about it, then remembered that no one really cares. It will get done tonight and it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It was more important to go for a walk with her, get some rest, then have fun running errands than it was to stress about whether there were a few dishes that needed to be done.

This year I will try to remember something my mother says a lot about parenting. “You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be good enough.” I’m not perfect. I never will be perfect. That’s okay, though. No one expects perfection except, perhaps, me, and I can work on getting over that. There is a website/series of interviews that is helping me here, which you might want to check out.

I hope this year you are enough for yourself.

Almost four months after the surgery and life is pretty good. I’m off crutches. I’ve been released from physical therapy. I’m no longer under a doctor’s care, though I have my physical therapist’s email if I have any questions. I have a list of exercises to do to get my left leg back to full flexibility and usefulness again.

I should, barring anything else going wrong, be running by the end of next year. Hopefully sooner, of course, but that’s a very safe bet.

At the moment, I’m allowed to walk half a mile and see how that goes. I did ten minutes on the elliptical trainer tonight and will see how my hip feels about that in the morning. I’m doing my balancing squats (on this thing with the round side down: http://amzn.to/1dzC7nI) every time I’m at the gym and I’m slowly getting better at them. I’m allowed to take Nyx for a walk, though I’ll wait until all of the ice has melted before I do that.

My hip still aches, especially when I’m tired. There’s one rotation that still hurts a lot to do, so I ease into that stretch every day and sit with the pain for a little while, then let up. I don’t push too hard, but I’m allowed to push a little bit.

I can only swim for about 20 minutes before getting tired. My stamina took a huge hit from not working out much for six months and it will take a while to work back up to it. After ten minutes on the elliptical tonight, I was ready to be done and sweat was dripping down my back. I am working hard on not being frustrated because now, at least, I am getting better.

I met a lady at the gym tonight named Sara. I was doing my balance squats and she was doing lunges; she had to move so I could get the balance ball out. I said I was doing physical therapy and she responded that she was supposed to do the same squats but didn’t always. I told her I was recovering from hip surgery and we got to talking a bit. Turns out she recently found out that she has FAI, too. I knew I was lucky to be diagnosed so quickly, but I didn’t know how lucky; she’s been putting up with this pain for six years. She said her doctor was very firmly against the surgery and wouldn’t do it if at all possible. Physical therapy isn’t helping. I gave her the name of my doctor who specializes in hips and has a lot of experience treating FAI; hopefully she will be able to get some help and eventually get it fixed soon. Living with constant pain is draining. I would hate to have lived with it for years without knowing what was wrong. The problem with FAI is that it can only be diagnosed with an MRI and some doctors don’t want to do one unless they have exhausted all other options. At least she knows what she has, now, which will help her figure out what to do next.

It’s nice being on the recovery side of the curve. I am feeling very lucky about where I was treated and who treated me. It took a couple of months to figure it out, but that’s a lot better than six years!

I will be running again eventually. Swimming butterfly may take longer. Bellydancing will take longer yet. Eventually, though, I will be able to do the things I love.

We have created our own holiday to celebrate; ours is four days long and begins two weeks after Thanksgiving. We both enjoy cooking, so one thing that was important to us was to have a feast day where we can make delicious, beautiful food and share it with people we care about. This was our first year doing this and we had a wonderful time. I wanted to share it with all of you, too.

First, the menu. We printed it on nice paper. A lot of thought went into it and there were multiple drafts before we settled on these foods, but we were both very pleased with the outcome.

menu_cards1Xander put a lot of work into making this look nice; I love it.

The amuse-bouche was an idea that came from my mom, which she had at my aunt and uncle’s house. It was an excellent idea. The beets were roasted, then sliced, and softened goat cheese was spread between the layers. The colors came out beautifully. There was a concern that the chevre would turn pink, but we decided that we rather liked that idea. Beets are one of those foods that people either love or hate, so not everyone loved them, but they came out nicely. They were topped with creme fraiche.

amusebouche

The hors d’oeuvres were fun to make. Popovers look impressive but are quite easy to put together. These were especially good because a small cube of Gruyere cheese was put into the batter for each popover right before they went into the oven. The cheese melted into the popover, then extra grated cheese was added to the top just as they came out of the oven. The wine, a Pinot Grigiot, was good; I don’t know enough about wine to comment on it much.

horsdoeuvres

We both like soups, so this seemed like a nice addition to the meal. We have some very nice smoked Hungarian paprika which balanced the sweetness of the butternut squash. It was smooth and complex. The wine, a Gewürztraminer, was sweet to start and then dry.

entree

The trou normand was Xander’s idea. Pear and hazelnut salad with blue cheese. The blue cheese was softened by the nuts and the pears, and the sharpness of the endive was really good. It was quite beautiful; I am not sure that the picture caught it well.

trounormand

The main dish was vegetarian this year because one of our guests did not eat meat. I made the raviolis. It’s the first time I’ve made pasta. It was a pain, but once I got into the rhythm of it, I ended up really enjoying it. We have square cookie cutters, so I used those to make sure the size was consistent. The filling was mushrooms, onions, oregano, thyme, and a little bit of salt and pepper. Xander made the brown butter sage sauce. A dollop of creme fraiche and toasted pine nuts rounded it out. The wine was a burgundy, strong enough to stand up to the mushrooms and sage.

platprincipal

The fruit and cheese plate was the most beautiful of the courses, I think. Xander chose a wide assortment of cheese and we had fun choosing fruits that would both taste good and be pretty. The ice wine was sweet and cold. Many people don’t know much about ice wine, so this was the first time a few of our guests had ever tasted it.

fromageetfruits

The dessert was a rich chocolate cake. It may not look quite as impressive as some of the other courses, but the flavors were surprising – not just the chocolate, but the stout and the frosting, which was rich in its own right. A deep, dark flavor to end the main meal.

dessert

The final course did not get pictures. People picked coffee, tea, or hot chocolate (made with good chocolate and heavy cream, among other things) to drink. The biscotti was Xander’s idea and my creation: cardamom and candied ginger. Something to drink, something light and crunchy to finish off the meal, and another half an hour or so of chatting and enjoying excellent company.

We both enjoyed doing this. It will definitely happen again.

I’m off of crutches!

I have been released from the care of the surgeon and am almost done with physical therapy. I asked my physical therapist to sit down with me for my last appointment and go through exercises for me to use to build up to running again. I know it’s likely to be up to a year before I can run, but I want to know what I can do and how and when I can push.

There’s still pain. When I’m tired, my hip gets tired and painful, too. I still can’t do a whole lot of breaststroke because rotation is still an issue. There are things I can’t do easily, like sit cross-legged. I can sit that way with a pillow under my left leg, at least for a little while. My exercises include single leg squats. They’re still hard. They may be hard for a while. Single leg lifts are getting easier, though.

Overall I’m much better. I’m better than I was before the surgery, finally. I feel like I’m almost back to mostly normal. It still hurts to do certain things, but most days, most of the time, I’m okay. I know (and am frustrated by the fact that) it will still be a long time before I am fully back to normal. I have a hard time with not being able to exercise. I’m getting to do a little, of course, but I get tired fast. I want to push, but I just can’t.

It’s better. It’s amazingly better. As the surgeon said, I was miserable when they first saw me and I’m actually happy now. That’s much, much better. It’s just hard to know how much longer it’s going to take before I can be as active as I’d like. It will get there, though!

Big news: I’ve spent the past four days completely off of crutches! My hip still aches by the end of the day, but it’s more a gentle reminder to sit down than the crippling pain it used to be. I can pick up Katja now, too. I can’t carry her far without getting strong “Quit it!” pain, but at least I can pick her up if I need to.

I was very concerned with the pain I was still feeling with the front leg lifts. Everything else seemed to be working out well, getting stronger, less pain, all the normal things, but that one exercise was still really hard for me. I asked the physical therapists to help and they gave me a bunch of new exercises (including single leg squats and single leg bridges – ouch!) which, while difficult and painful, did what I needed. I can do the front leg lifts now and only have an ache at the end, which is a lot better.

I was out with Katja today and we were watching people jump up and down. Katja joined in quite happily. My hip twinged at the thought of it, which I know quite well is psychosomatic but made it very clear that I’m not all the way better yet. Swimming is getting easier, though breaststroke still has limitations on how far I can go using the kick as well as the arms. That particular movement still causes pain. Other than that direction, I don’t have flexibility problems in physical therapy right now, which is good.

I’m healing. I’m back to almost mostly normal. I won’t be running for a long time yet; even walking fast is not a good idea right now. I am getting to the point of being able to swim, though, and I can bike for ten minutes at a stretch, which is a start. I can’t twist or turn in certain ways and I sometimes catch myself right before I move my leg wrong, but it’s clearly improving.

I think it will be a while before I take the 130 pound dog out for a walk, though.

Seven years ago, Xander and I got married. I still think it’s the best decision I have ever made.

Over the last seven years we have been through wonderful and awful things. I don’t feel much like detailing them at the moment, but it has certainly been an interesting experience. Through it all, we have managed to face the world together, bound by love, bad puns, silly jokes, and a deep appreciation of and for each other.

I’m happy. Much of my life, I have struggled just to get to content. Anytime I stop and think about it these days, though, I’m actually happy. Life isn’t utopian, if course, but even on my worst days Xander can make me laugh. Watching him with Katja is amazing; he’s a wonderful father and she adores him.

He’s not perfect. Neither am I. I won’t claim that we are perfect together, either, but the life we share is a good one and the love we share is the best thing I have ever experienced.

Happy anniversary, Xander. Here’s to many more years of silliness, love, and putting up with each others’ foibles.

Today has been somewhat difficult. I didn’t sleep well last night, though the dreams were certainly amusing and weird. Physical therapy this morning was hard because I mentioned that one of the exercises had become easy. They replaced it with single-leg squats. Those weren’t easy. My hip ached off and on today and I was pretty tired at work, so the day dragged. I’m probably going to go to bed early tonight.

I’m having mixed feelings on a few subjects. I want to work out every day to the extent that I can, but I also get so tired so much of the time that motivation for more than three days a week doesn’t always work. I am really looking forward to moving next summer, wherever we end up, but it’s starting to sink in exactly how much I’m going to miss people. I won’t miss the place; being allergic to everything that grows here  has not made me interested in staying much longer. It is beautiful, in its own way, but I miss the nice green that comes from a place that actually has water. I do love that lavender grows so easily, but that doesn’t offset the lack of trees. I’m also not looking forward to the experience of moving, as that is never fun. On the other hand, we have found a good home for our piano and we know it will be enjoyed, so I feel less unhappy about leaving it here. Moving a piano is seldom worth it, especially since we may be moving somewhere small.

There are big things coming, but they are things I don’t have much control over right now. We won’t know until spring where we’re going to move, most likely, and then we’ll have to get everything set up and done in the space of three or four months. I like having control, but I’m working on letting this go. Wherever we move, I’ll start job hunting and hopefully find a job I like as much as I like the work I’m doing now.

I’m going to attempt to make jambalaya again in a few weeks, brown roux and all. I made it once a few years ago for someone but we didn’t keep any for ourselves. I kind of made it up that time, so I’ll do the same again and hope it works out. Other than the roux, it’s pretty forgiving.

We have family coming in for Thanksgiving, a turkey already ordered, and plans for a feast, and I always look forward to that holiday.

Life is good right now, but I’m feeling antsy. I know we have a big move coming up and I feel helpless to plan for it yet. We are all doing well in general but I’m still not all the way back to normal; I’m slow and sometimes in pain. I want everything to go smoothly and I seem to be the golem in the gears, slowing things down.

This isn’t depression. I’ve been there and I remember the feeling of waking up every morning and not wanting to do anything. It felt like a grey wool blanket was draped over everything. This isn’t that feeling. This is almost irritation. While I don’t want to miss any of the next several months, while I will miss terribly so many friends, I also want to move on and start our new adventure. If I think of it as an adventure, moving someplace completely new to me is slightly less terrifying. We have so much that needs to get sorted out and organized; some of it needs to just go away. Depending on where we move, we might not even be keeping most of our furniture. There are a lot of questions right now and not many answers, and I have a constant awareness of the impending nature of the move. It’s like one grain of sand in my shoe. I can feel it and it’s irritating but it isn’t bad enough to stop and take off the shoe. Not that I could get rid of this irritation, but you get the idea, I hope.

I should get some sleep. That generally helps with shoving the irritation into the background rather than letting it take over my brain and color everything I’m thinking about. I hope you don’t have too many grains of sand on your end.

This week has been long. Three nights in a row Katja ended up staying up until a little after 9. She’s usually in bed by 7:30 or so and then I have down time. All three nights were my choice, so it wasn’t a bad thing, but I’m used to having a little time in there to catch up on housework and relax. I didn’t realize how much that down time meant until I didn’t have it for three days, however much fun those three days were.

To add to that, Katja doesn’t sleep very well right now. She’s up a few times a night. I sleep fairly lightly. While Xander will get up with no complaint, I wake up first anyway so I generally just get up. I don’t do terribly well with not enough sleep; I get crabby and easily frustrated. Add those two things together and I’ve been just the tiniest bit of a pain to be around this weekend. I got to the gym this morning, which helped a little, but I still felt very stressed.

Xander made it better. This afternoon when I tucked Katja in for her nap, he asked if I wanted to go see a movie or get out of the house for a few hours. I didn’t feel like watching a movie, but I decided to take him up on it. I went wandering through a store for a little while, then went to a coffee shop and had a pot of tea while reading a book. I picked up some good olive oil and balsamic vinegar, too. I felt good. I read five (short) chapters of a good book, drank very good tea, ate a chocolate croissant, and felt completely decadent and relaxed.

When I got home, Xander said I’d been gone for a little over an hour. Katja woke up about ten minutes before I got home.

I am still happy. I feel calm and refreshed. I took time to do things I wanted to do without thinking about anyone else. I didn’t feel selfish about it because this was freely offered.

Life is so very, very good right now, and my husband is the best person ever.

Eight weeks after the surgery, I’m on one crutch, swimming and once in a while kicking, doing upper body work at the gym, doing some biking on stationary bikes, and still rather sore some days. I can’t do leg lifts easily yet because the surgery site gets painful. I am allowed to walk around with no crutch in the mornings as long as I don’t overdo it, as long as it doesn’t get sore, and as long as I’m careful. It’s very freeing to be off of crutches at least for a little while, though it does get sore.

The doctor said 2-3 months before I’m mostly back to normal. I’m expecting three months. I was also told I wouldn’t run for 6 months to a year, and at this point I’m expecting a year. The labrum was damaged and has limited blood supply, so that healing will take a while. I will swim and bike and do weight training and just not stress it as much as possible. I need to heal completely, and if that means not running for longer than I’d like, that’s life.

In the meantime, the rest of life is going well. Katja is helping me bake; she mixes and pours and  has fun. She’s talking a lot. Her favorite characters at the moment are Batman, Hawk Girl, and Tigger. I’m pretty sure she likes Tigger because she’s so much like him – so much bouncing! Xander is going to be visiting England soon to present his work and I couldn’t be more proud of him. He’s pretty amazing. I just made my first batch of English muffins, which is a small thing but I always wanted to learn. Despite the slowly healing hip and the frustration involved, life is pretty good right now.

I went swimming today for the first time. I’ve been putting it off because I’ve been a little afraid. My hip still hurts and I didn’t think I was ready to figure out how to get in and out of the pool without hurting myself. It worked out well, though I only managed about twenty minutes before I got tired. I did ten minutes on the bike (I’m allowed to do that now) and I did some upper body work, too, so I feel like I got something done, but it’s hard to get so tired, so fast.

I’m on one crutch now. One of my exercises now is standing on my left leg for ten seconds at a stretch, so I’m starting to be able to put my full weight on it. It still aches. By the end of the day, I am always very tired. It’s getting better, clearly, but it’s nowhere near all the way better yet.

I’m going to physical therapy twice a week. It’s hard work, but I can tell from the exercises that my strength is (slowly) improving.

I’m having to work hard on not being frustrated with myself. I know that they did a lot of work on my hip, including reshaping the bone, and a lot of muscles and nerves got shifted around in the process. It’s going to take months before I’m back to normal. I was told that I wouldn’t be off crutches for up to three months. I’m about halfway there. Another four and a half months before I can even think about running again. I can’t push this, and I’m working hard to not push it, but I want so much to be able to do normal things again. I can’t take Katja to the park because I can’t keep up and I can’t go up and down slides and other activities. I can’t take Nyx for a walk; she doesn’t much like crutches, and I can’t brace myself if one of the silly little dogs that run loose crosses our path.

It is better. I keep reminding myself of that. I can stand on it now. I’m on one crutch, which is an amazing improvement. I’m not in pain all the time, just when I get tired. I can move around pretty well. I can pick things up now. Katja can sit on my lap and it doesn’t hurt, which makes me ridiculously happy. I can sit on the floor with her in the mornings, too, because getting up has gotten much easier. I still can’t twist or move certain ways, but I’m moving much better than I used to.

Slowly but slowly, I’m improving. It’s hard still being so slow and so incapable, but I know I’m getting better.