30 days of truth: Day 1

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I need to write again. This seemed like a good set of prompts, and I’ve read some interesting things others have been writing.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

I wish the list were shorter, but I’ll pick a couple that are digging at me lately.

I spent two years working 70 hours a week and got really out of shape. It’s hard to exercise enough when I’m exhausted all the time, when I’m hanging on to sanity by the edges of my fingernails because that’s all I have left. I managed to keep bellydancing. I swam when I could. I did the best I could, and the next year should be much better, but I’m not where I want to be. Hate is overstating the case, but I feel like I don’t fit my body right now. I don’t know what to do other than to plug away, keep trudging, keep pushing, swim more, Zumba, belly dance, hike. I know it will eventually get better, but right now I’m feeling frustrated that it will take a long time to get back to where I want to be.

I hate that after having been told since I was ten or so that I had babymaking hips, it’s not true. I hate that I can’t have children, that I can’t be pregnant, that I feel like my body has betrayed me in something I didn’t even know I wanted until six or so years ago.

I hate that I am so afraid of change and that I am so afraid of failure.

I think that’s enough. I don’t want to write more on this. The prompt was something, not many things, so I guess I’ve gone overboard a bit, but I’m frustrated and tired tonight and this was too easy to write.

For tomorrow: Day 02 → Something you love about yourself. I will write as many things on that subject as I did on this. It’s important to me that these balance.

If you’d like to see more of these posts, check out these: Dara, JTW, Raven, Wanderlust, Thinking Too Hard, and girlvaughn.