Ramble

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Today has been somewhat difficult. I didn’t sleep well last night, though the dreams were certainly amusing and weird. Physical therapy this morning was hard because I mentioned that one of the exercises had become easy. They replaced it with single-leg squats. Those weren’t easy. My hip ached off and on today and I was pretty tired at work, so the day dragged. I’m probably going to go to bed early tonight.

I’m having mixed feelings on a few subjects. I want to work out every day to the extent that I can, but I also get so tired so much of the time that motivation for more than three days a week doesn’t always work. I am really looking forward to moving next summer, wherever we end up, but it’s starting to sink in exactly how much I’m going to miss people. I won’t miss the place; being allergic to everything that grows here ┬áhas not made me interested in staying much longer. It is beautiful, in its own way, but I miss the nice green that comes from a place that actually has water. I do love that lavender grows so easily, but that doesn’t offset the lack of trees. I’m also not looking forward to the experience of moving, as that is never fun. On the other hand, we have found a good home for our piano and we know it will be enjoyed, so I feel less unhappy about leaving it here. Moving a piano is seldom worth it, especially since we may be moving somewhere small.

There are big things coming, but they are things I don’t have much control over right now. We won’t know until spring where we’re going to move, most likely, and then we’ll have to get everything set up and done in the space of three or four months. I like having control, but I’m working on letting this go. Wherever we move, I’ll start job hunting and hopefully find a job I like as much as I like the work I’m doing now.

I’m going to attempt to make jambalaya again in a few weeks, brown roux and all. I made it once a few years ago for someone but we didn’t keep any for ourselves. I kind of made it up that time, so I’ll do the same again and hope it works out. Other than the roux, it’s pretty forgiving.

We have family coming in for Thanksgiving, a turkey already ordered, and plans for a feast, and I always look forward to that holiday.

Life is good right now, but I’m feeling antsy. I know we have a big move coming up and I feel helpless to plan for it yet. We are all doing well in general but I’m still not all the way back to normal; I’m slow and sometimes in pain. I want everything to go smoothly and I seem to be the golem in the gears, slowing things down.

This isn’t depression. I’ve been there and I remember the feeling of waking up every morning and not wanting to do anything. It felt like a grey wool blanket was draped over everything. This isn’t that feeling. This is almost irritation. While I don’t want to miss any of the next several months, while I will miss terribly so many friends, I also want to move on and start our new adventure. If I think of it as an adventure, moving someplace completely new to me is slightly less terrifying. We have so much that needs to get sorted out and organized; some of it needs to just go away. Depending on where we move, we might not even be keeping most of our furniture. There are a lot of questions right now and not many answers, and I have a constant awareness of the impending nature of the move. It’s like one grain of sand in my shoe. I can feel it and it’s irritating but it isn’t bad enough to stop and take off the shoe. Not that I could get rid of this irritation, but you get the idea, I hope.

I should get some sleep. That generally helps with shoving the irritation into the background rather than letting it take over my brain and color everything I’m thinking about. I hope you don’t have too many grains of sand on your end.