Archive for the ‘Rambles’ Category

We had a really great weekend, and Katja got to go on her first road trip.

Apparently Katja travels very well. She fussed a little when she got put into her carseat, but she settled down fast and went to sleep. We had to wake her up to be changed and fed. She seemed to enjoy meeting everyone, even though there were a lot of new people.

I was very happy to be able to catch up a little with people who matter to me. These are big-F family, people who have become Family because they are important to me and vice versa. We also got to see quite a few people in Xander’s family, which was nice, and they were all happy to meet Katja. My dad happened to be in the Bay Area during our visit, so we got to see him. I also got to meet one of the other IndieInk editors. None of us live very close to each other, so it was neat to actually be int he same room as one of them. Hopefully she wasn’t too overwhelmed. (Hi, Grace!) My godmother and her husband came, too, and they brought a beautiful, colorful quilt for Katja. It’s on the back of the couch in her room right now, and she often just stares at it, fascinated. I’ll be using it as one of her tummy time blankets soon since she likes the pattern so much.

We didn’t get quite enough sleep, but we managed to avoid getting crabby. I got to go running one morning, which is much easier when there’s some humidity and it isn’t freezing. I love running near the ocean. It’s much easier to run there than it is in the desert. My mouth doesn’t get dry, it’s easier to breathe, and my toes don’t go numb. It was pretty funny that I didn’t see anyone else out on the sidewalks or on a bike, but I suppose 6 AM on a Sunday is not prime time for exercise for most people.

It was a busy weekend, but I came back feeling refreshed and reminded of all of the wonderful people we are lucky enough to have in our life. We will try to get down more often to keep those connections strong.

Okay, so it’s Wednesday, but I’m getting there eventually.

It has been a long week. Katja and I have both had a cold, so no one has been sleeping very well. On the other hand, she’s getting a lot of snuggle time, and during the day Katja still manages to be in a very good mood during the day.

Good things:

  • I came across jasmine green tea. Usually jasmine is too strong a scent for me, but it is very delicate in the tee and it is very good. I drink it in the morning and it relaxes me a little.
  • I am learning to not take work as seriously. I am working hard and getting a lot done, but I am trying not to stress about it too much. I’ve been better about it this week.
  • I did manage to run once despite the cold. I’m trying hard to keep up with three days a week, and I am mostly enjoying it.
  • I’ve been writing more. Not here, obviously, but I’m writing letters and postcards and working on a longer piece.
  • I’m also slowly getting back to coding; I owe some people a database, and I’m finally starting to get enough sleep that I can code again.

It’s been a good week despite the cold. Next week I will get to talk about a road trip!

This has been a good week. I was sick for some of it, but I’m mostly better now. Katja has slept through the night three nights in a row, so my outlook on life is surprisingly cheerful. I have been getting enough sleep for a while, at least enough to get by, but I have needed my caffeine every morning. This morning I needed my tea, but not the caffeine.

Katja came with me to belly dancing last Friday. She seemed to enjoy it until she got hungry. I had her in the Moby wrap and she was wiggling along to the music, which was quite amusing. She got a very warm welcome from the dancers, too. They were all very supportive through the whole process, so it was nice for them to get to see me with such a wonderful baby.

I turned 37 on Sunday. 37 is a prime number, so I have decide that I am in my prime (well, a prime, anyway) this year. It’s good to be easily amused. Oh, and I got to spend my birthday with friends, which is always very nice.

I’m working my way through a book on mathematics. I mostly read fluff, but this is much more dense and I’m enjoying the challenge.

That’s about it. How was your week?

It’s 3:15 AM as I write this. I have a mostly-asleep baby on my lap; if she falls asleep completely, I will attempt to put her back in bed. She’s been up off and on since about 1:15, though, and ended up getting sick, so I’m not expecting that the remainder of the night will be restful.

That is surprisingly all right with me.

I value my sleep highly, but I have found that I don’t mind getting up for this purpose, anyway. Much of that comfort is that I get to go to bed early (thanks to Xander) which makes it much more bearable. Partly, though, it’s the contemplative feeling I get at weird hours of the morning. There aren’t any distractions, just a very small person who needs food. I like the relative silence and darkness. I enjoy being able to finish a thought without jumping to the next or having several ideas vying for attention.

I won’t make this a habit once Katja is sleeping all night, but for the moment, strange as it sounds, broken sleep is somewhat restful.

Other good things this week:
• I ran three days as planned. One of those days was in 24 degree cold, and, other than a numbed toe, it went fine.
• My estranged sister may be back in my life. I have tentative hope that this will work, and it makes me very happy.
• We got to see my older brother over the weekend. We don’t see him much, but we really enjoy his company. Katja liked him immediately.
• My birthday is in less than a week and I get to spend it with friends.
• I baked bread this weekend. It’s a very satisfying activity, and it always makes the house smell good.

I’m off to attempt to put Katja back to bed so I can get a little more sleep. I hope you have a great week!

I’ve been having a somewhat challenging year so far, so I decided to write about the good things in my life. Every Tuesday, I will write about at least one thing that makes me happy. This time it will be a list; I’m not feeling like going in-depth on anything.

  • Katja smiles at me. I love knowing that she recognizes me and is happy to see me.
  • Xander is a wonderful person. I’ve been learning how to create food without a recipe, and he’s very supportive.
  • Xander is also a wonderful father, which makes me very happy, too.
  • I have good friends.
  • We’re finally getting precipitation this winter.
  • Katja’s honorary grandma and daycare provider loves her dearly.
  • Cloth diaper service (Bear Bums, if you’re in Reno) makes my life much easier.
  • That’s the list this week. I’ll have more to talk about next Tuesday.

    I went running yesterday.

    For much of last year, running was a normal part of my life. Since Katja was born, though, I’ve had difficulty finding time to run. I did half mile jogs once in a while, but there was no way to consistently fit in exercise because her schedule in the mornings was so variable.

    Xander is starting his new semester this week, so there are times that I can force myself to run. He’ll park the car away from my office twice a week and I will run to get it at lunch. Saturday mornings will be my third run of the week, and I will try to at least go walking other days.

    The first day I picked to go running was, of course, during a storm. I had declared that I would go “come hell or high water”, though, so I was determined to go anyway. I got dressed in normal running gear, added my winter coat (it’s blue, very long, and I’m short, so it is referred to as the Smurf coat), and headed out.

    I am restarting the Couch to 5K program, so I walked and ran for half an hour. My toes were cold and wet by the time I got home, but after a nice hot shower I felt great. The snow was not the best beginning, but I did it. I’m a little sore today, but I feel much happier for having this back in my life.

    Once in a while I hit a point in time in which everything is just good. I’m in one of those times right now, and it is very nice. We have been stressed over infertility and adoption over the past six years; now we have a daughter, and she’s quite wonderful. Our sleep schedule has become predictable enough that I can start running again. I’m at work full-time now, after a couple of months of part time work, so I am catching up there. I do miss getting to be home with Katja in the afternoons, but we have weekends and evenings together as well as that odd, half-asleep time for her middle of the night feeding, so I feel like I’m still involved enough. For the moment, Xander is taking good care of her. Once he goes back to school, she will be with a very dear friend, her honorary grandma, half time for childcare. I think Katja will be very happy in that environment.

    I took Nyx running yesterday morning. We only did a mile and I walked a bit of it, but it was very pleasant. She has a harness specifically for when she’s working. She is not allowed to mess around while wearing it. I use it when we’re running or going for walks with Katja. When we run, she just settles into her funny gait that adapts to my short legs and doesn’t pull or try to check out much of anything. I’m not sure how true that would be during the day with all the neighborhood dogs out, but at 5:30 in the morning she does beautifully.

    The endorphins help me a lot, too. If I can’t exercise for whatever reason, it is difficult for me to not end up feeling a little unhappy. When I have the time and energy to exercise, the world seems like a much better place. After two and a half months of not running, getting back to that steady push is good for me both physically and mentally.

    There are still things to worry about, mostly money, and things we need to figure out how to do. It isn’t that life has suddenly become perfect. I am just being constantly reminded that there are good things that considerably outweigh the worrisome bits of life, and I am trying to enjoy everything as much as possible.

    I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am content, as I doubt I will ever manage that. I have several projects going, including learning Russian, working on a somewhat serious piece of writing, and reading a challenging (well, challenging for me, anyway) book about mathematics. I am enjoying re-learning Raffi songs and folk songs my mother used to sing to me so I can sing them to Katja. I don’t, however, feel unhappily driven. I don’t feel like there is any constant irritation in my life. I like what we have and I am happy.

    It’s a good place to be.

    For once, my IndieInk writing challenge will be nonfiction.

    “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

    Six years ago, we planned to have a baby. Just one.

    We knew we were in trouble when a fertility specialist said, with barely concealed glee, “You two are impressively infertile!”

    Second opinion: the only kind of treatment we were willing to use (due to hormonal issues and money limitations – the other option was $16,000 per cycle for a 60% chance of success, and those were not odds we were willing to play) had a 5% chance over three cycles. The doctor said, if he were in our place, he would not do it.

    We didn’t. We worked on accepting that we would not have a child.

    Several months later, I watched my husband interact with a child we’ve known for years, and I realized that I wanted to see him with his own child. I mentioned adoption and he said he’d been thinking about it but did not want to push me.

    We were rejected, with no explanation, by the first agency. We found another. We weren’t completely comfortable, but they seemed eager and had good reviews.

    We went to several match meetings that did not feel right or work out for one reason or another.

    We became increasingly uncomfortable with the lawyer and agency, but were already in pretty deep, so we decided to play out this hand and see where it took us.

    We met a family we liked. They liked us, too. We figured out what worked. I made food for them every time I went to visit; we became friends, of sorts. It is an odd relationship and not well defined, but we knew enough to trust each other.

    A baby was born, emergency C-section, time spent in the NICU. Paperwork and confusion followed. Two weeks later we could finally come home.

    We planned to do what so many people do so easily, just have a baby. It seemed like such a simple task, something natural in the deepest sense of the word. We have a beautiful baby girl from a life we had not planned, and six years after we started this journey, an entirely new life has opened up. We have more people involved than we expected and we have a lot to learn, but we love this little person completely.

    This is not the life we had planned, the timing we expected, or the place we thought we’d be, but I find myself deliriously happy when I am holding our daughter. Sleep deprivation has something to do with it, but not as much as you might think.

    Accepting this path was not easy, but it was a very good thing in the long run.


    For the IndieInk Writing Challenge this week, Britania challenged me with “‘We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.’ – Joseph Campbell” and I challenged iampisspot with “‘Achievement brings its own anticlimax.’ – Maya Angelou”

    We just got back from a road trip. I really enjoy road trips because there is so much time to relax, talk, listen to interesting music or audiobooks, and, at least in my case, sleep. Xander is very nice about letting me sleep whenever I need to. By the time we go on a road trip, it has generally been so long since the last vacation that I am rather exhausted. Knowing that I will be able to doze in the car is comforting.

    I will write about the good parts of the road trip later, but today I have a different subject in mind. Road trips do come with their own challenges, and one that I dread is the assignment of hover factor. If the drive is one we’ve taken before, I know where we can stop to avoid a high hover factor. This time we were driving a route with which we were not completely familiar, so there were a couple of very disturbing restrooms.

    Hover factor is a measurement of how awful the bathrooms are, specifically how little I am willing to touch anything. If I look at the toilet and I am unwilling to touch any part of it with any part of me, that’s a high hover factor. If I walk in and my feet stick to the floor, even a little bit, the hover factor measurement ratchets up. If I have to look in more than one stall to find one without strange substances on the walls, that’s a very high hover factor. There have been a few times in my life that I’ve elected to drive an extra several miles to get to a place that doesn’t make me gag as I walk through the door.

    I am not very picky. I do not require extreme cleanliness in gas station bathrooms, and I certainly do not expect it. I do, however, much prefer bathrooms which do not induce nausea or an urge to cover every possible surface I might touch with toilet paper and paper towels, several layers thick.

    One bathroom from the most recent trip was actually quite nice. It was a restaurant (and before you say that restaurants generally have nicer bathrooms, be aware that I have been in a few restaurant bathrooms that made me decide not to eat at the establishment) and, when I walked into the bathroom, I was greeted with a faint scent of bleach. The floors were pristine, every stall had toilet paper, and I did not worry about touching the faucet handles.

    I’m sounding rather neurotic, I know. All of this stems, I think, from port-a-potties when I was little. We would go to various events and I would have a very hard time dealing with the smell, the flies, the heat, and the splashes where other people either didn’t aim very well or were, um, overenthusiastic. One that I remember with particular horror had a handprint on the wall. I do not know what substance was used to make the handprint, but considering the color and the surroundings, I can make a pretty good guess. I can go into a port-a-potty if I need to, and I can use it, but that is where the hover factor measurement began.

    When we are driving to Arizona, we almost always stop at the Death Valley Nut and Candy Company. We get gas, since that particular drive does not have many options for gas, and I use the bathroom there because they have a very low hover factor. I can walk in, do what I need to do, wash my hands, and walk out without even once being tempted to check the bottom of my shoe to see what foreign substance may have become attached.

    If you are ever in a position in which you own a place with bathrooms, be aware that you will be judged on those bathrooms, and, if the quality is lacking, if the hover factor is too high, you will lose customers. There are a few places I absolutely will not stop for gas even if I don’t need a bathroom because my memory of the desperate wish to be able to avoid touching anything at all is so incredibly strong.

    I do not go on diets. They aren’t healthy for me. Not so much physically, but mentally. When I was dieting, I got extremely obsessive about counting every single calorie, and my well-being was predicated on the number the scale showed every morning. Worse than that, though, was that I would get frustrated and angry. If I ate a few too many calories in a day, I’d decide it didn’t matter and eat more because I was so angry about having to be so careful. I don’t want to be obsessed, and I’m not pleasant when I’m angry. I did not like who I became while I was trying to diet.

    That being said, I have lost seven pounds in the past six weeks.

    I am not dieting, at least not the way I think of dieting. I do not pay attention to calories. I am trying to change how I approach food and exercise, and I am not getting angry or obsessive.

    Michael Pollan, an author of several books about the relationships that people have with food, came up with this: “Eat real food, not too much, mostly plants.” I add to that “exercise more” and you get my whole approach to eating at the moment.

    In general we do not eat a lot of meat. Maybe once a week we will have dinner with meat, and we try to have fish fairly regularly, but meat is not a huge part of our diet. Also, we do not eat out very often, and when we shop, it is from the outside edge of the supermarket, not the inside rows with all of the processed food. This is not a moral decision, mind you, and we will not lecture anyone on how they should eat. We both like to cook and eat, and the processed foods take much of the fun out of it. We do buy some canned goods, but not even a lot of those. We have canisters of different kinds of flour, many types of dried beans, a few kinds of rice, and various other odds and ends that we have purchased for various recipes. In other words, the “real food” and “mostly plants” parts are not very difficult for me. We already do that.

    “Not too much”, on the other hand, can be a significant challenge. I like food. I like eating good food. Portion control is not my strong suit. I mostly need one meal a day with some snacking the rest of the day, which I only recently learned. I am switching from having that main meal be lunch to having it be dinner because I think it is important to have dinner together. It is something that was very important to both of us growing up, and we would like to give that to our child, too. Considering how difficult it will be to set new habits with a new baby, we are working on setting that habit now. That did not work if I had already eaten my main meal for the day, however, so I am shifting to adapt. I eat fruit and popcorn throughout the day, but not too much. I am less hungry now, which makes it easier, and eating more slowly keeps me from eating too much. Also, if I want two eggs, I’ll have one instead. I end up pleasantly full, and the next time I think about two eggs I remember being content with one. It is getting easier.

    The piece I added, “exercise more”, is another habit I need to form. I decided that I would spend the summer exercising in ways that did not require me to spend money to do them. That means running, for the most part. I am not doing Zumba, swimming, or belly dancing at the moment. I hurt my shoulder earlier this year and running does not make it worse, which is good; it is most of the way healed at this point. I do best when I exercise in the morning. I get up and climb into running clothes almost before I am awake. If I wait until I have fully woken up, I will often talk myself out of it. I had the same problem with swimming, so I know this problem. Once I am dressed, though, I feel like I might as well go and get it done. My running clothes are always on the floor next to the bed and I can put them on in the dark, so I do not have any excuse for not going running.

    I do not count calories. I am tracking my weight on the Wii, but only the simple test because that way I don’t get commentary on whether or not I’m doing well enough. There are days that I eat too much, like last night – we went out to dinner. With this approach, though, I don’t care. It’s okay to have gone up a little bit in weight over a day as long as the general trend continues downwards.

    I’m trying to build these habits so that once we have a child the habits will be sustainable. I would like to lose weight, but I refuse, at this point in my life, to spend the energy to obsess about it or to let it affect my moods. I need to be stable and happy as much as possible. There is enough other stress in my life; why add to it? This lets me adjust my eating and my approach to food and exercise without the guilt that comes with diets or goals or any of that.

    I’m changing my relationship with food, and so far it is going pretty well. Guilt-free weight loss without weird chemicals! I’m actually having fun, which I never thought I would say in any way associated with losing weight.