Wendryn Doubt

Last weekend I did something new, at least for me. I started with a chicken and a bunch of vegetables and I ended up with soup.

Xander usually makes soup stock in huge batches. He makes really good stock and we have a lot frozen so whenever we want to make soup, we can. This time, though, since I was starting with a whole chicken, I made my own stock.

I cooked the chicken in the cast iron Dutch Oven given to us by Xander’s mother. I love it! I didn’t do anything too fancy, just rubbed the chicken with cayenne under the skin so there would be a little bit of heat. I learned from the last time I tried to take meat of a chicken; this time I stuck it in the refrigerator for a few hours so I could skip the finger-burning part. I took all the meat off the carcass, fed the skin to the dog, and put the bones and giblets into a stockpot and covered them with water. I added a lot of bay leaves, some peppercorns, celery ends from the freezer, garlic, and various other things that looked good, and then I let it cook for a long time until it tasted right. I then added the chicken and sausage, the onions, carrots, and potatoes, and cooked them for a while. Once they were mostly done, I added the celery and mushrooms and cooked it all just a little while longer. I put in various seasonings, too, but I don’t really remember what at this point.

I like cooking from recipes. I like the rhythm, knowing what comes next, how it will all come out in the end. Cooking without a recipe feels a little bit like walking a tightrope without a net (I do know how that feels, though the tightrope wasn’t very far off the ground, at least!). I worry about screwing things up or ruining food. I’m getting more confident, I guess, or more comfortable in the kitchen, because this time I figured it was soup, and as long as I didn’t completely overdo anything, it would be fine. It is, too. It tastes good and has texture. I had fun puttering around, tasting, adjusting, and playing with it.

I made something all by myself. I feel like a little kid, saying that with such pride, but I really am happy about it.

I’ve been writing a lot, but it’s mostly letters. Real handwritten letters, no less. Sometimes it is nice to write and let the words go.

This has been a good week. Despite having a cold, Katja has been in a pretty good mood. I took her for a half hour walk around campus and she seemed to be fascinated by the tree branches against the sky. I’ve always liked that, too, so watching her eyes get big every time we passed under a tree made me happy.

I’ve been working on my stress levels. I have had premature ventricular contractions for years-nothing major, just irritating-and I’ve joked that it’s my built in stress test. Since Katja was born, I’ve been drinking caffeinated tea, which aggravates it. I’ve been trying to identify the things that stress me out most and I’ve been working on changing how I react. It seems to be working; I haven’t had a PVC for over a week now.

Focusing on what makes me happy, like coming home, spending time with Xander, seeing Katja smile, and playing with the dog are all good things, so I’m thinking more about those things and less about the frustrating parts of life.

I guess I’m learning, slowly, how to let go. It’s not easy, but it’s making everything more pleasant.

We had a really great weekend, and Katja got to go on her first road trip.

Apparently Katja travels very well. She fussed a little when she got put into her carseat, but she settled down fast and went to sleep. We had to wake her up to be changed and fed. She seemed to enjoy meeting everyone, even though there were a lot of new people.

I was very happy to be able to catch up a little with people who matter to me. These are big-F family, people who have become Family because they are important to me and vice versa. We also got to see quite a few people in Xander’s family, which was nice, and they were all happy to meet Katja. My dad happened to be in the Bay Area during our visit, so we got to see him. I also got to meet one of the other IndieInk editors. None of us live very close to each other, so it was neat to actually be int he same room as one of them. Hopefully she wasn’t too overwhelmed. (Hi, Grace!) My godmother and her husband came, too, and they brought a beautiful, colorful quilt for Katja. It’s on the back of the couch in her room right now, and she often just stares at it, fascinated. I’ll be using it as one of her tummy time blankets soon since she likes the pattern so much.

We didn’t get quite enough sleep, but we managed to avoid getting crabby. I got to go running one morning, which is much easier when there’s some humidity and it isn’t freezing. I love running near the ocean. It’s much easier to run there than it is in the desert. My mouth doesn’t get dry, it’s easier to breathe, and my toes don’t go numb. It was pretty funny that I didn’t see anyone else out on the sidewalks or on a bike, but I suppose 6 AM on a Sunday is not prime time for exercise for most people.

It was a busy weekend, but I came back feeling refreshed and reminded of all of the wonderful people we are lucky enough to have in our life. We will try to get down more often to keep those connections strong.

Okay, so it’s Wednesday, but I’m getting there eventually.

It has been a long week. Katja and I have both had a cold, so no one has been sleeping very well. On the other hand, she’s getting a lot of snuggle time, and during the day Katja still manages to be in a very good mood during the day.

Good things:

• I came across jasmine green tea. Usually jasmine is too strong a scent for me, but it is very delicate in the tee and it is very good. I drink it in the morning and it relaxes me a little.
• I am learning to not take work as seriously. I am working hard and getting a lot done, but I am trying not to stress about it too much. I’ve been better about it this week.
• I did manage to run once despite the cold. I’m trying hard to keep up with three days a week, and I am mostly enjoying it.
• I’ve been writing more. Not here, obviously, but I’m writing letters and postcards and working on a longer piece.
• I’m also slowly getting back to coding; I owe some people a database, and I’m finally starting to get enough sleep that I can code again.

It’s been a good week despite the cold. Next week I will get to talk about a road trip!

This has been a good week. I was sick for some of it, but I’m mostly better now. Katja has slept through the night three nights in a row, so my outlook on life is surprisingly cheerful. I have been getting enough sleep for a while, at least enough to get by, but I have needed my caffeine every morning. This morning I needed my tea, but not the caffeine.

Katja came with me to belly dancing last Friday. She seemed to enjoy it until she got hungry. I had her in the Moby wrap and she was wiggling along to the music, which was quite amusing. She got a very warm welcome from the dancers, too. They were all very supportive through the whole process, so it was nice for them to get to see me with such a wonderful baby.

I turned 37 on Sunday. 37 is a prime number, so I have decide that I am in my prime (well, a prime, anyway) this year. It’s good to be easily amused. Oh, and I got to spend my birthday with friends, which is always very nice.

I’m working my way through a book on mathematics. I mostly read fluff, but this is much more dense and I’m enjoying the challenge.

That’s about it. How was your week?

It’s 3:15 AM as I write this. I have a mostly-asleep baby on my lap; if she falls asleep completely, I will attempt to put her back in bed. She’s been up off and on since about 1:15, though, and ended up getting sick, so I’m not expecting that the remainder of the night will be restful.

That is surprisingly all right with me.

I value my sleep highly, but I have found that I don’t mind getting up for this purpose, anyway. Much of that comfort is that I get to go to bed early (thanks to Xander) which makes it much more bearable. Partly, though, it’s the contemplative feeling I get at weird hours of the morning. There aren’t any distractions, just a very small person who needs food. I like the relative silence and darkness. I enjoy being able to finish a thought without jumping to the next or having several ideas vying for attention.

I won’t make this a habit once Katja is sleeping all night, but for the moment, strange as it sounds, broken sleep is somewhat restful.

Other good things this week:
• I ran three days as planned. One of those days was in 24 degree cold, and, other than a numbed toe, it went fine.
• My estranged sister may be back in my life. I have tentative hope that this will work, and it makes me very happy.
• We got to see my older brother over the weekend. We don’t see him much, but we really enjoy his company. Katja liked him immediately.
• My birthday is in less than a week and I get to spend it with friends.
• I baked bread this weekend. It’s a very satisfying activity, and it always makes the house smell good.

I’m off to attempt to put Katja back to bed so I can get a little more sleep. I hope you have a great week!

I’ve been having a somewhat challenging year so far, so I decided to write about the good things in my life. Every Tuesday, I will write about at least one thing that makes me happy. This time it will be a list; I’m not feeling like going in-depth on anything.

That’s the list this week. I’ll have more to talk about next Tuesday.

I went running yesterday.

For much of last year, running was a normal part of my life. Since Katja was born, though, I’ve had difficulty finding time to run. I did half mile jogs once in a while, but there was no way to consistently fit in exercise because her schedule in the mornings was so variable.

Xander is starting his new semester this week, so there are times that I can force myself to run. He’ll park the car away from my office twice a week and I will run to get it at lunch. Saturday mornings will be my third run of the week, and I will try to at least go walking other days.

The first day I picked to go running was, of course, during a storm. I had declared that I would go “come hell or high water”, though, so I was determined to go anyway. I got dressed in normal running gear, added my winter coat (it’s blue, very long, and I’m short, so it is referred to as the Smurf coat), and headed out.

I am restarting the Couch to 5K program, so I walked and ran for half an hour. My toes were cold and wet by the time I got home, but after a nice hot shower I felt great. The snow was not the best beginning, but I did it. I’m a little sore today, but I feel much happier for having this back in my life.

Once in a while I hit a point in time in which everything is just good. I’m in one of those times right now, and it is very nice. We have been stressed over infertility and adoption over the past six years; now we have a daughter, and she’s quite wonderful. Our sleep schedule has become predictable enough that I can start running again. I’m at work full-time now, after a couple of months of part time work, so I am catching up there. I do miss getting to be home with Katja in the afternoons, but we have weekends and evenings together as well as that odd, half-asleep time for her middle of the night feeding, so I feel like I’m still involved enough. For the moment, Xander is taking good care of her. Once he goes back to school, she will be with a very dear friend, her honorary grandma, half time for childcare. I think Katja will be very happy in that environment.

I took Nyx running yesterday morning. We only did a mile and I walked a bit of it, but it was very pleasant. She has a harness specifically for when she’s working. She is not allowed to mess around while wearing it. I use it when we’re running or going for walks with Katja. When we run, she just settles into her funny gait that adapts to my short legs and doesn’t pull or try to check out much of anything. I’m not sure how true that would be during the day with all the neighborhood dogs out, but at 5:30 in the morning she does beautifully.

The endorphins help me a lot, too. If I can’t exercise for whatever reason, it is difficult for me to not end up feeling a little unhappy. When I have the time and energy to exercise, the world seems like a much better place. After two and a half months of not running, getting back to that steady push is good for me both physically and mentally.

There are still things to worry about, mostly money, and things we need to figure out how to do. It isn’t that life has suddenly become perfect. I am just being constantly reminded that there are good things that considerably outweigh the worrisome bits of life, and I am trying to enjoy everything as much as possible.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am content, as I doubt I will ever manage that. I have several projects going, including learning Russian, working on a somewhat serious piece of writing, and reading a challenging (well, challenging for me, anyway) book about mathematics. I am enjoying re-learning Raffi songs and folk songs my mother used to sing to me so I can sing them to Katja. I don’t, however, feel unhappily driven. I don’t feel like there is any constant irritation in my life. I like what we have and I am happy.

It’s a good place to be.

For once, my IndieInk writing challenge will be nonfiction.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

Six years ago, we planned to have a baby. Just one.

We knew we were in trouble when a fertility specialist said, with barely concealed glee, “You two are impressively infertile!”

Second opinion: the only kind of treatment we were willing to use (due to hormonal issues and money limitations – the other option was $16,000 per cycle for a 60% chance of success, and those were not odds we were willing to play) had a 5% chance over three cycles. The doctor said, if he were in our place, he would not do it.

We didn’t. We worked on accepting that we would not have a child.

Several months later, I watched my husband interact with a child we’ve known for years, and I realized that I wanted to see him with his own child. I mentioned adoption and he said he’d been thinking about it but did not want to push me.

We were rejected, with no explanation, by the first agency. We found another. We weren’t completely comfortable, but they seemed eager and had good reviews.

We went to several match meetings that did not feel right or work out for one reason or another.

We became increasingly uncomfortable with the lawyer and agency, but were already in pretty deep, so we decided to play out this hand and see where it took us.

We met a family we liked. They liked us, too. We figured out what worked. I made food for them every time I went to visit; we became friends, of sorts. It is an odd relationship and not well defined, but we knew enough to trust each other.

A baby was born, emergency C-section, time spent in the NICU. Paperwork and confusion followed. Two weeks later we could finally come home.

We planned to do what so many people do so easily, just have a baby. It seemed like such a simple task, something natural in the deepest sense of the word. We have a beautiful baby girl from a life we had not planned, and six years after we started this journey, an entirely new life has opened up. We have more people involved than we expected and we have a lot to learn, but we love this little person completely.

This is not the life we had planned, the timing we expected, or the place we thought we’d be, but I find myself deliriously happy when I am holding our daughter. Sleep deprivation has something to do with it, but not as much as you might think.

Accepting this path was not easy, but it was a very good thing in the long run.

For the IndieInk Writing Challenge this week, Britania challenged me with “‘We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.’ – Joseph Campbell” and I challenged iampisspot with “‘Achievement brings its own anticlimax.’ – Maya Angelou”