We just got our tax return, so today we’re paying some of the bills associated with Katja’s adoption. That is a huge relief. It has been hard knowing that we owe so much money; this eases that worry.

Katja can roll over from her back to her stomach on purpose now. She’s been doing it accidentally for a while, but now she’s quite serious about it. She gets bored on her back and flips over. It’s pretty neat. She’s also grabbing things and putting them in her mouth. I’m really enjoying getting to watch her figure out her world.

I’m getting better at limiting stress a little bit at a time. I have to be very aware of my thoughts and actions, but I’m hoping it eventually becomes a habit.

Life is pretty good. I am, overall, happy.

Katja will be five months old tomorrow. She’s growing fast, still very strong, and amuses us no end. She blows raspberries whenever she gets bored, which means she’ll be sitting in her carseat and all of a sudden we’ll hear “THBBBBBBT!” It makes us both laugh. She’ll also do it in her crib as she’s settling down; she talks to herself, blows raspberries, and goes to sleep. I’m very glad that she has found ways to amuse herself, and I am even more glad that her amusement results in amusement for us as well.

I’m still working on not allowing petty things to irritate me too much. It does seem to be helping; my state of mind overall is pretty good. I did have to take a nap on Sunday because I was feeling quite irritated. An hour and a half later (thanks to Xander taking Katja) I felt much better. I usually have Katja all day on weekends because Xander works, so having Xander home and able to let me take a nap was something of a luxury.

I’m working on getting up earlier than Katja, too, so I have a little time to get things done in the mornings. This morning she started making noises at 5:15 but kept going back to sleep. I finally got up about 5:40 because it was clear that I wasn’t going to be able to get much more sleep, so I got some time to clean the kitchen and such before she needed attention. It wasn’t bad to get up that early and I feel like I’ve made some headway, so that’s nice.

Katja is sitting in her little chair babbling and hiccuping. It’s quite funny! When I stick my tongue out at her, she laughs and then blows raspberries in response.

Today I’ll take a walk at lunch. I’m not quite enough over the cold to run, but walking will at least get me outside and moving, which is good. I like exercising; I just don’t like coughing. It will get better, I’m sure.

I hope you have a great day!

 

Katja is almost over the last of her cold. I still have the cough, but I’m getting better. Xander is still working through it, but I’m trying to make it a bit easier on him. It isn’t a pleasant cold.

When Katja is half asleep, she sometimes pulls her pacifier out of her mouth. She tries to put it back in her mouth, but since she’s half asleep her motor skills aren’t quite up to snuff, so instead she waves her arm up and down quite energetically. It’s highly amusing.

I am happy. Not content, exactly; there is too much to do, too many possibilities. Happy, though, I seem to have managed. I look at Xander and I smile. I have a wonderful little person asleep on me. Cats and a dog are curled up nearby. I am learning to accept life a little better. I can’t plan much at the moment, but that’s all right, at least for now.

It’s a little corner of peace. We have built home here, together. It isn’t always easy, but it is good.

Last weekend I did something new, at least for me. I started with a chicken and a bunch of vegetables and I ended up with soup.

Xander usually makes soup stock in huge batches. He makes really good stock and we have a lot frozen so whenever we want to make soup, we can. This time, though, since I was starting with a whole chicken, I made my own stock.

I cooked the chicken in the cast iron Dutch Oven given to us by Xander’s mother. I love it! I didn’t do anything too fancy, just rubbed the chicken with cayenne under the skin so there would be a little bit of heat. I learned from the last time I tried to take meat of a chicken; this time I stuck it in the refrigerator for a few hours so I could skip the finger-burning part. I took all the meat off the carcass, fed the skin to the dog, and put the bones and giblets into a stockpot and covered them with water. I added a lot of bay leaves, some peppercorns, celery ends from the freezer, garlic, and various other things that looked good, and then I let it cook for a long time until it tasted right. I then added the chicken and sausage, the onions, carrots, and potatoes, and cooked them for a while. Once they were mostly done, I added the celery and mushrooms and cooked it all just a little while longer. I put in various seasonings, too, but I don’t really remember what at this point.

I like cooking from recipes. I like the rhythm, knowing what comes next, how it will all come out in the end. Cooking without a recipe feels a little bit like walking a tightrope without a net (I do know how that feels, though the tightrope wasn’t very far off the ground, at least!). I worry about screwing things up or ruining food. I’m getting more confident, I guess, or more comfortable in the kitchen, because this time I figured it was soup, and as long as I didn’t completely overdo anything, it would be fine. It is, too. It tastes good and has texture. I had fun puttering around, tasting, adjusting, and playing with it.

I made something all by myself. I feel like a little kid, saying that with such pride, but I really am happy about it.

I’ve been writing a lot, but it’s mostly letters. Real handwritten letters, no less. Sometimes it is nice to write and let the words go.

This has been a good week. Despite having a cold, Katja has been in a pretty good mood. I took her for a half hour walk around campus and she seemed to be fascinated by the tree branches against the sky. I’ve always liked that, too, so watching her eyes get big every time we passed under a tree made me happy.

I’ve been working on my stress levels. I have had premature ventricular contractions for years-nothing major, just irritating-and I’ve joked that it’s my built in stress test. Since Katja was born, I’ve been drinking caffeinated tea, which aggravates it. I’ve been trying to identify the things that stress me out most and I’ve been working on changing how I react. It seems to be working; I haven’t had a PVC for over a week now.

Focusing on what makes me happy, like coming home, spending time with Xander, seeing Katja smile, and playing with the dog are all good things, so I’m thinking more about those things and less about the frustrating parts of life.

I guess I’m learning, slowly, how to let go. It’s not easy, but it’s making everything more pleasant.

We had a really great weekend, and Katja got to go on her first road trip.

Apparently Katja travels very well. She fussed a little when she got put into her carseat, but she settled down fast and went to sleep. We had to wake her up to be changed and fed. She seemed to enjoy meeting everyone, even though there were a lot of new people.

I was very happy to be able to catch up a little with people who matter to me. These are big-F family, people who have become Family because they are important to me and vice versa. We also got to see quite a few people in Xander’s family, which was nice, and they were all happy to meet Katja. My dad happened to be in the Bay Area during our visit, so we got to see him. I also got to meet one of the other IndieInk editors. None of us live very close to each other, so it was neat to actually be int he same room as one of them. Hopefully she wasn’t too overwhelmed. (Hi, Grace!) My godmother and her husband came, too, and they brought a beautiful, colorful quilt for Katja. It’s on the back of the couch in her room right now, and she often just stares at it, fascinated. I’ll be using it as one of her tummy time blankets soon since she likes the pattern so much.

We didn’t get quite enough sleep, but we managed to avoid getting crabby. I got to go running one morning, which is much easier when there’s some humidity and it isn’t freezing. I love running near the ocean. It’s much easier to run there than it is in the desert. My mouth doesn’t get dry, it’s easier to breathe, and my toes don’t go numb. It was pretty funny that I didn’t see anyone else out on the sidewalks or on a bike, but I suppose 6 AM on a Sunday is not prime time for exercise for most people.

It was a busy weekend, but I came back feeling refreshed and reminded of all of the wonderful people we are lucky enough to have in our life. We will try to get down more often to keep those connections strong.

Okay, so it’s Wednesday, but I’m getting there eventually.

It has been a long week. Katja and I have both had a cold, so no one has been sleeping very well. On the other hand, she’s getting a lot of snuggle time, and during the day Katja still manages to be in a very good mood during the day.

Good things:

  • I came across jasmine green tea. Usually jasmine is too strong a scent for me, but it is very delicate in the tee and it is very good. I drink it in the morning and it relaxes me a little.
  • I am learning to not take work as seriously. I am working hard and getting a lot done, but I am trying not to stress about it too much. I’ve been better about it this week.
  • I did manage to run once despite the cold. I’m trying hard to keep up with three days a week, and I am mostly enjoying it.
  • I’ve been writing more. Not here, obviously, but I’m writing letters and postcards and working on a longer piece.
  • I’m also slowly getting back to coding; I owe some people a database, and I’m finally starting to get enough sleep that I can code again.

It’s been a good week despite the cold. Next week I will get to talk about a road trip!

This has been a good week. I was sick for some of it, but I’m mostly better now. Katja has slept through the night three nights in a row, so my outlook on life is surprisingly cheerful. I have been getting enough sleep for a while, at least enough to get by, but I have needed my caffeine every morning. This morning I needed my tea, but not the caffeine.

Katja came with me to belly dancing last Friday. She seemed to enjoy it until she got hungry. I had her in the Moby wrap and she was wiggling along to the music, which was quite amusing. She got a very warm welcome from the dancers, too. They were all very supportive through the whole process, so it was nice for them to get to see me with such a wonderful baby.

I turned 37 on Sunday. 37 is a prime number, so I have decide that I am in my prime (well, a prime, anyway) this year. It’s good to be easily amused. Oh, and I got to spend my birthday with friends, which is always very nice.

I’m working my way through a book on mathematics. I mostly read fluff, but this is much more dense and I’m enjoying the challenge.

That’s about it. How was your week?

It’s 3:15 AM as I write this. I have a mostly-asleep baby on my lap; if she falls asleep completely, I will attempt to put her back in bed. She’s been up off and on since about 1:15, though, and ended up getting sick, so I’m not expecting that the remainder of the night will be restful.

That is surprisingly all right with me.

I value my sleep highly, but I have found that I don’t mind getting up for this purpose, anyway. Much of that comfort is that I get to go to bed early (thanks to Xander) which makes it much more bearable. Partly, though, it’s the contemplative feeling I get at weird hours of the morning. There aren’t any distractions, just a very small person who needs food. I like the relative silence and darkness. I enjoy being able to finish a thought without jumping to the next or having several ideas vying for attention.

I won’t make this a habit once Katja is sleeping all night, but for the moment, strange as it sounds, broken sleep is somewhat restful.

Other good things this week:
• I ran three days as planned. One of those days was in 24 degree cold, and, other than a numbed toe, it went fine.
• My estranged sister may be back in my life. I have tentative hope that this will work, and it makes me very happy.
• We got to see my older brother over the weekend. We don’t see him much, but we really enjoy his company. Katja liked him immediately.
• My birthday is in less than a week and I get to spend it with friends.
• I baked bread this weekend. It’s a very satisfying activity, and it always makes the house smell good.

I’m off to attempt to put Katja back to bed so I can get a little more sleep. I hope you have a great week!

“I believe that writers run out of material, I really do.” – Brian Wilson

I don’t believe that writers run out of material, or at least not exactly. I will rebut this a little with a quote from one of my favorite authors:

“If you only write when you’re inspired, you may be a fairly decent poet but you’ll never be a novelist because you’re going to have to make your word count and those words aren’t going to wait for whether you’re inspired or not. So, you have to write when you’re not inspired and you have to write the scenes that don’t inspire you…..when people come to me and they say I want to be a writer, what should I do, I say you have to write. Sometimes they say, well I’m already doing that what else should I do, and I say you have to finish things because that’s where you learn from. You learn by finishing things.” – Neil Gaiman

There are days that I don’t want to write. Since Katja was born, there have been more days that I don’t want to write than days I do. There are a myriad of things to write about if I just look around a little, but I am tired. At the moment, it is 6:30 in the morning. I have been up since 4:45, fed Katja and gotten her back to sleep, gone for a 1.5 mile run in 24 degree weather (one of my toes went numb!), and done dishes. All of those are things that I can write about. Katja’s contented snuggling when she finished her bottle, the streetlights making the frosty grass sparkle, coming home to a warm house, the satisfaction of creating order from chaos: each of these could be the beginning of something interesting, be it short or long. Each could provide a snippet of a novel, a scene of contentment or thoughtfulness, or  a description of fighting for something, even something as small as wanting to be the best person possible for those you love.

I think that writers suffer from a couple of problems when they are focused on trying to write. One is that they get so wrapped up in their writing that they forget to lift up their heads once in a while and look at the world. When I get particularly stymied, sometimes I will go someplace very busy. I will sit on a bench and watch people. I see how they interact with each other and wonder why. I look at how they dress, how they move, how they present themselves to the world. I think about what I might have in common with them and what I might not, what their day might be like, and why they react that way. I see kindness and cruelty, laughter and pain, and the stories start running in my head again. Sometimes it doesn’t take much. A brightly woven scarf on an otherwise very mousy person, for instance, or a small act of kindness, unexpected.

The other problem I see is fear. We write for an audience, whether or not that is our primary goal. I write here because I need to sort out the world, but I know there are a few people who read it. I choose my words carefully (or I try to, at least) and I am very aware that I have an audience, even though it is small. That sometimes chokes my words. I sit down to write and I start thinking too much about what it might sound like to someone else. Once I’m thinking about that, it is almost impossible for me to write anything. I think it sounds stupid or inane or that no one will get past the first paragraph without giving up in disgust.

I had an English teacher who had us write a page in five minutes at the beginning of every class. We didn’t have to write anything in particular; if all we wrote was one word or one sentence, that was fine. We just had to write. As we got better, as the year progressed, she began giving us topics, but we still got a good grade on the exercise if we filled a page. It seemed somewhat silly at the time, but it taught me that sometimes I just need to start writing, even if I don’t feel like there is anything to write about.

I have been singing all my life. I am not amazing, but I’m not bad. I enjoy singing. I don’t much like performing, though, for the same reason that writing is sometimes difficult. I do not like feeling judged. I doubt that anyone really does. There is a song that helps me a little, though, that I first heard on Sesame Street when I was fairly young and have loved ever since. It’s called Sing (Sing a Song) and it is, as far as I can tell, originally by the Carpenters.

Here are the lyrics that make it easier to keep singing and writing and trying:

Sing, sing a song,
Make it simple, to last your whole life long
Don’t matter if it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear,
Sing, sing a song.

It doesn’t matter if these words are never read or if my music is never heard. I still need to write and I still need to sing. Both of these make my life fuller and more interesting, make me happier, make me pay more attention to the world.

I believe that writers only run out of things to write about if they allow themselves to stop paying attention to what is going on around them or allow themselves to be controlled by fear. If you want to write, write. If you don’t feel inspired, look out the window, take a walk, take a break, and then sit down and write anyway. It won’t always be easy; it often isn’t. Sometimes, though, the pieces you like least while you are writing them, those pieces that come from a complete lack of inspiration, can turn out to be quite good when you look at them again.

Just sit down and write. Put words on paper or on a screen. Even if it’s just one word, over and over, it may develop into something more.

For the IndieInk Writing Challenge this week, Michael challenged me with “”I believe that writers run out of material, I really do.” -Brian Wilson” and I challenged Tara Roberts with “”I speak for the dead.” Don’t go the Orson Scott Card route, please. Make it scientific rather than psychological.”