I feel like I am planning to be selfish for the next while, maybe even a year. I want to go to work, come home, go swimming, and dance. Xander is planning to teach me how to play video games. We’ll go to see friends, maybe see a movie or two. I’ll read a lot of books. I won’t do anything that means much to anyone except myself.
I’ve been so tired that I can’t handle much lately. It feels like I’ve been tired for a very long time. Planning to not plan things, to have hours of uninterrupted time off, is alien to me and a little bit scary. I am a little unsure that everything will work out, that it will be fine. I know, on some level, that it won’t be an issue, but at the same time I’ve been very busy for long enough that it has become habit.
I think the biggest issue is not doing anything that matters to anyone else. I like being useful. I like feeling like an important cog instead of a completely replaceable one. I know that everyone is replaceable, but I flatter myself by thinking that it would be hard to replace me. I want to matter. That is overbalanced, though, by wanting to not be exhausted all the time. I’m planning to simply be on weekends and evenings, to do only what I actively want to. I want time with Xander that isn’t layered over with worry about timing and making sure everything is done and whatever else I can think of.
I want to get good at relaxing.
That’s a pretty scary thing for a workaholic to say, but I think the past two years have really convinced me that down time is essential. I’ve made it through, with Xander’s help, but I can’t do much more, certainly not after the blows we’ve taken this year. It’s time to enjoy the fact that we have enough, we have each other, and we enjoy each other.
It’s time for me to relax. It’s time to stop and breathe and take more joy in life than I sometimes think I know how to do.
It’s scary. I will have to be very careful to avoid finding other things to fill my time until I feel like I am at least somewhat less frayed and worn. I’m just too tired to keep up this schedule, and if another blow falls, I might not be able to handle it unless I have some reserves. Right now there just aren’t any, but getting enough sleep consistently will help with that.